I woke up in tears this morning because today I am being discharged from the hospital. I am anxious to see and spend time with Whitaker but I also hate leaving my baby girl. I knew that I would start to feel torn between my two children, but I was not prepared for anything like this. If we were leaving here with Caroline to get into a new routine at home, that would be hard enough. But I am heading home to an eerie sense of the old normal. There is no nursery set up, no baby to snuggle, no sign of her in our home. I am looking at a 3 hour pumping schedule, juggling 2 children in two different places, catching rides (cant drive yet), transitioning Whitaker into a new big boy room and preparing a nursery for a baby that I can not yet care for. Im not returning home to find a new normal. I'm returning home to turn our family upside down.
Of course there are a lot of positives too. I am not one to completely overlook those. Today is day 15 in the hospital. These days are split between 2 trips, but still. Whitaker needs me back and as strong has he has been, I know Daniel needs me too. There will be more family time for the 3 of us. I know that Caroline is in fabulous hands. I have confidence in that now. She is being provided more care than I could ever give her at home. I will get to completely heal from my c-section without the set-back of total sleep deprivation. Whitaker can transition slowly into his new room, and Caroline's room will be a great distraction and give me a chance to actually do something for her.
Caroline had a good night. She is still on the nasal cannula. They had to turn her oxygen levels up from 21 to 30 but she was doing great and they were weaning her back down. She is off of her antibiotics. She had a couple of Brady episodes from the time I saw her last night until I saw her this morning. I was assured that this was all still normal preemie behavior and that she would grow out of them. She will continue to receive a caffeine dosage daily to assist with those. Her jaundice levels were up so she is receiving phototherapy (the blue light). This really didn't concern me because I know term babies that had to receive this treatment. The neonatologist did hear a bit of a heart murmur but because all of her levels are looking good she is holding off on an echo. She said if it continues it will be corrected with medication and does not require any sort of procedure. Ending on a positive.. the nurse has been slowing removing one of her belly lines throughout the day. When I go in to help with Caroline's 3 o'clock feeding I might get to hold her :) This would be perfect timing because I am leaving soon after to be home for Whitaker when he wakes up from his nap.
Under the lights
I am sure I will see this pose again in 15 years on the beach.. big shades and tanning.
My long and lean girl sprawled out